A Change of Heart

This is a duplicate post from my Rant's Blog, but I believe that it belongs here too.

For the last few years I have been an antagonist of the Church. Always searching for and finding fault with many things in the history of the Church. However, recently I must admit despite knowing the things I do about Church history, I have not been really HAPPY. I have been mostly a miserable wretch. When I discovered that the church was FALSE, a few years ago, I was in so much despair that I contemplated committing suicide, because, what was the point to my life now, if all the things that I had been raised to believe were false?

What was the point of it all? What was the purpose of life. So I spent much of my time after discovering this 'knowledge' about the Church to find ways to try and tear it down and make a mockery of it. I was so bitter from what I had lost. I had at many times contemplated removing my name from the records of the Church, because I was so mad and bitter about the things from the past.

But what had the Church done personally to me? Had they done any great sin to me that would lead me into some evil, or set a trap for me that would affect my physical and mental well being? To be honest, no they didn't. When my house was damaged, it was members who came to my aide.

Often the Church is referred to as the Church of Joseph Smith of Latter-Day Saints who don't believe in the Church any more.

Yesterday in my cynical view I was going to read through the Ensign from the last conference to see how much dirt I could find about 'following the prophet' to show how the Church is a CULT, in the evil sense that it would ask you to drink the Kool-Aid or do a Jim Jones type thing.

As I read I found much testifying of Christ and admonishing a person to live a better life. I never did stop believing in Christ, though through it all I did have some doubts and was leaning towards agnosticism, neither accepting or denying the existence of God. I figured when I died I would find out.

So as I am reading the last conference Ensign, I am thinking...'Well that makes sense.', or 'I agree with that.' or 'that's good advice', or 'that's something I should be doing.' I was thinking wow, I FEEL something here that I haven't felt since the beginning of my marriage when I was active. I feel PEACE in my thoughts. I feel that everything will be okay. I feel that there is some purpose to the world, some order

To give you some idea of how ANTI- I've been, I've actually gotten myself kicked off this board before under another alias. I have mocked many of you over at RFM. I have laughed at you and your beliefs. I have tried to find joy in tearing people of the faith down and kicking them while they are down. I have said that the General Authorities are EVIL men who know they are EVIL, who know that they are duping the members for MONEY and POWER. In reading the Ensign and in listening to conference today though, I did not sense that they were PURPOSELY trying to stab the members in the back and make them grovel at their feet, or trying to HURT us. These men do care about us. I may not agree with everything they say, but they mean well.

I was especially touched by the talk today by Oaks on service. On losing ourselves we will find happiness in the service of others. Many times I think about ME first. How can this benefit me the most. I put self first, sometimes even at the expense of my own family, which I know I shouldn't. I have been so cruel to my dear wife who has stayed faithful in her beliefs and also mocked her, while she as pleaded with me to be one with her in the gospel. I am lucky she has not left me, like so often happens in situations where one loses the faith.

So I do know quite a bit about Church history. Some of it makes me shudder, but I think that there is probably a lot of exaggeration and hyperbole on both sides of the equation.

Probably to nonbelievers reading this, they think 'wow, what a weak and feeble minded fool.' for reconsidering their position and testimony in the Church.

However, when I consider my feelings about the things I have learned and my actions, I know I feel purpose when I follow the teachings of Jesus, and a lack of reason and purpose when I go the other direction. Sure mocking things CAN be fun. I have had lot's of laughs, but no real joy or higher purpose from it.

So I guess I don't KNOW if the Church is the ONLY TRUE AND LIVING CHURCH ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, but I do know how much better I feel about life when I am doing the things I did as a believer vs. what I did as an apostate antagonist.