Common Ground and Setting Boundaries

I was asked what my feelings were in preserving a marriage where one person believes in relgion or the LDS Faith and the other person does not. Here is my response.

I know that in my situation there were a few times that my wife wanted to leave me, because I was being antagonistic to her faith. I would do things like make up parodies to Church songs that were not conducive to the spirit and sing them. I have read over on the RFM Board many times about marriages breaking up over a difference in faith between the two parties. I was a bit different than some in that I didn't flat out go inactive and refuse to go. Mainly because my wife was the one who threatened to leave me if I didn't at least attend. She basically said it was my unbelief or her. I wasn't willing to get divorced over it because I loved my wife more than I did my feelings about the truthfulness of the Church. Occasionally to avoid going to Church I would FAKE being sick in order to stay home too.

So I wasn't blatantly openly militant about my nonbelief with my wife, and unlike you it sounds like, she refused to look at anything anti, so didn't have the same understanding as it sounds like you do of why I was so angry. So I lived as a New Order Mormon, attending, but dreading every moment. Sneaking away after sacrament to sleep in the van, or go get a Blizzard.

When I would point out that Joseph Smith had married other men's wives and then lied about it to Emma, she would us some lame thing about 'Well they did things different in the 1800s than we do now.' and I would just shake my head, because I knew that they didn't do THAT differently back then.

My biggest thought is this. Is your difference in opinion regarding the Church worth breaking up the marriage over?

My wife would say that we didn't have a valid marriage because we we're sealed in the temple, and therefore, with our covenants broken, we weren't technically married. OUCH! I would have to reply that YES we are still civilly married.

A few things.
1. Don't assume that he has lost his testimony because he wants to sin, or has been offended. That in itself is one of the most offensive things the church says about those who apostasize because it makes them into two dimensional thinkers. In no way did I go out of my way to prove the Church false as a way to enjoy smoking or looking at pornography guilt free. That's just silly. Whether or not a person likes a certain vice has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not the Church is true or not.

2. I suggest building a common bond BEYOND the Church. A lot of people do initially get married to someone because they happen to be the right candidate who can take them to the temple, and yet when they get to know each other better have NOTHING in common. He likes Jazz, she likes classical. He likes sports, she likes books. What do they both like the same? Nothing, except they both thought each other was cute and happened to have a temple recommend as required for getting sealed. Once they get married and one loses faith, then what do they have? nothing in common, because the one thing they did have is gone. So start exploring what you both like to do. My wife and I both like to dance. This has nothing to do with the Church, but it is a bond we have.

3. You need to make an agreement of some type with each other regarding boundaries in relation to the Church. If you plan to stay active, then you need to agree with each other that

a. He will not lecture you for going to Church on Sunday, or doing whatever Church activity, and
b. YOU will not lecture him for going and playing golf (or whatever) on Sunday.

He has his personal time to do his personal stuff. You have your personal time to do your stuff, and you have set aside time for each other that revolves around each other, NOT the Church.

If you do pray, and he doesn't, KEEP THEM PERSONAL. One of my biggest pet peeves was when we were both in bed, the lights would turn off and then my wife would start praying, I KNOW to manipulate me to repent.

"Oh lord, please bless that Boxurian will stop being such a hard-necked..." I found it offensive, and it didn't help.

So has your husband officially resigned, or does he still have his name on the rolls?

The next time he starts taking it out on you, you probably need to flat out ask him 'Why are you taking out your feelings about the Church on ME? Are you mad at ME, or at the Church?" and "What does what 'Joseph Smith' did back in the 1840s have to do with ME?"

If you intentionally drove the car off a cliff, then he probably has a reason to be mad at you. If he just read that Joseph Smith ran a distillery in Nauvoo, instead of living the Word of Wisdom, then tell him to take it up with Joseph Smith, or he can sleep on the couch.

So find common ground NOT Church related, and create boundaries for each other on the sensitive subjects.

I hope this helps. Remember, these are just my opinions, and NOT gospel.